He ain't heavy, he's my son

2015 marks the beginning of Kindergarten two for our Big Brother, he also started EIPIC (Early Intervention Program for Infants and Children) at one of the most experienced Autism Centre in Singapore. It had been tough for us because every week day is filled up, we no longer have the luxury of outings like how I used to bring my children out in the afternoons after school to explore, neither do we have stay at home rest days too.

The first week of his usual mainstream school, I had to follow Big Brother into his class, carrying Little Brother in as well. We were able to leave the class 5 to 10 minutes later, when Big Brother was settled down. 

This week, however, had been physically, emotionally and mentally tough! Big Brother cried almost every day. On one of the days, he was crying very badly and told his teacher that he thought his mother is caught in a fire and he would like to go out to find his mother to save her.

Today, the moment he woke, he had been shouting and crying, refusing to go to school. He said that he will cry in school, he is scare of going to school. But he just can't tell me exactly why he doesn't want to go to school or what he is scared of. Because of his struggling and unstable emotion, I passed the Little Brother to the hubby and carried the 19+kg Big Brother instead. He struggled, shouted and cried as we left the house, in the elevator, on the way to the carpark and going up the car. I talked to him nicely, hugged him really tight to comfort him, explained to him, promised him all the good things he loved, scolded him and in end screamed at him. Hubby slammed the car door and he punched the car a few times too.

Initially, I had requested for hubby to follow us to the school so its easier for me as I don't need to manage both the children. But seeing how affected hubby was, I decided to drop hubby off at the MRT first as I do not know how long Big Brother will drag entering his class today. We are already a single income family so I have to be careful not to let hubby become too affected by our child and allow the stress to overflow into his work. We need that income, but.... Seriously, I am very stressed myself, how should I cope??

When we reached the school, Big Brother refused to come down the car. He kept shouting to go back home. I strapped the Little Brother onto me in the carrier and said goodbye to Big Brother, if he is still not coming down the car. He came down finally, but not without crying and saying i do not understand him. I asked him to carry his own backpack, but he refused and continued his tantrums so I told him since he doesn't want it, i threw his bag onto the floor. He was very angry. He picked up his bag and swung it at me wildly, hitting me repeatedly until I got very angry, I slapped him across his face, just like that. He was crying even more, I also felt like crying. I felt something within us is breaking apart.

Why does my boy keep saying he is scare of going to school? He is able to say scare, but he is not able to tell me why. We ding dong outside the class for a very long time, talking to him, waiting for him to be ready etc, then we approached the admin office to report late. The admin officer accompanied us to his class, but along the way he kept on saying he is very scare, kept struggling from moving forward. I did thought of bringing him home, but what good does it do to him? I accompanied him into the class too. After a while, the teacher told me to leave as my presence doesn't seem to do him any benefit too. He cried. And cried and cried. I wandered around and went back to the classroom door to listen and he was still crying... What can I do? So I left, waiting to see if the teacher will call me to come back.

Almost everyone doesn't believe us when we said our son has mild autism. He looked and behaved so normally. So we stopped telling people. Being an October baby, he only recently turned five. He is still unable to read yet. Though I felt very down today, but I reminded myself to 随缘,随便 and 随机应变. We are not in a hurry, my son has his own lifetime to learn and to cope. I shouldn't keep worrying about things before they happened. I do not know what will happen next year, things do not always go smoothly for everyone and.... I am very thankful everyone of us is still alive, healthy and happy. What more can I ask for?

It's only the beginning, things will work out and we all will be fine. ;)

P/S: I welcome all encouragements and valuable sharing that can add value or improve our situations now, but can I ask politely that please do not judge? For I am already judging myself every day and beating myself up for many things. I may not be the best mom, but I tried my best. I didn't write down everything I did, but I have been doing many things for my boy every day, every time. The purpose of writing this entry is to release some pent up stress, noting down the ups and downs in our journey with our boy, so that in future when i look back, I can see how far we have evolved. 

I also hope to give normal people and families, a glimpse of what life with an ASD is like. The next time you see a kid behaving really badly in public. Do not judge, do not take out your phone and start recording, do not post it to social media.. you really don't know anything about them. 

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