Letter to my Fourth Baby

I never know that I will lose you too.

I was due for my menses, but instead of my menses, I was light spotting for 3 days. I went to the pharmacy to get the pregnancy test kits and it immediately showed me your existence.

However, 2 days after tested positive, I was suddenly bleeding at night. There was bloodstain even on the pants I was wearing. I remembered washing up and changing, then walking out to tell Daddy that I think there is no more baby because I was bleeding! My heart was so heavy, I couldn't bear to talk to even your brothers, and forced myself to sleep.

The next morning, I saw more blood on the pad and thought to myself, is baby gone like that? However, I realised that the bleeding had stopped. Nevertheless, I changed and took another pregnancy test kit but was surprised that the result was still positive. 

I made an appointment and visited the gynae. I asked my gynae that I am not sure if I am pregnant or it's just delayed menses because of the bleeding even though pregnancy test kit showed positive. He took an ultrasound and told me that I was pregnant. There is the water bag but it's still empty inside. He said that the shape of the water bag doesn't look too good though. The gynae prescribed me with hormones pills and told me to rest well and come back to visit him 1 week later.

Anyway, I did tell your brothers about your existence and they were so excited and happy! Your Biggest Brother even began thinking about names for you and your brothers were wondering about your gender! 

As we had already booked our trip to Club Med Cherating and yet your daddy sprained his ankle just 2 days before the trip. I was really moody because I was worried about you but daddy told me to go ahead with our plans and asked me to drive the family more than 400km up to Club Med instead. I never drove in Malaysia before and I wasn't sure if I should drive in my situation. Guess what, I drove for 10 hours straight including the jams at the customs! Ain't you proud of me? 

As Daddy sprained his ankle, I had to be the one to accompany your Biggest Brother for the activities, I accompanied him for archery, ping pong and we tried Kayaking which I super regret because it was so intensive that I felt backaches! Nevertheless, I was really careful and only took sips of beer once throughout the stay at Club Med. They offered free flow of drinks including beer and wines you know?

We came back after 4 days and I went to the gynae for follow-up. He took an ultrasound and said that he couldn't see you still (the water bag is empty) and told me to go to Thomson Medical immediately for a detailed scan. I was so worried sick and super duper sad. In my mind, I thought that it's a false pregnancy where women became pregnant with an empty sac. Do you know that the coming weekend was Daddy and Mummy's 10 years anniversary? I really do not want to lose you and spent my 10th wedding anniversary in sorrow. I was like totally in doom while waiting at the fetal scan centre for my turn.

At first, the radiologist also cannot see you in the ultrasound. So she told me that she needed to take a vaginal scan instead and to my biggest surprise, the radiologist saw you in the vaginal scan! You were so tiny! Only 4mm! It was still very early in my pregnancy and we saw your heart beating on the screen! You know how elated I was? The next morning, I immediately went to the temple to give thanks and pray for you to be born healthily and happily. My gynae prescribed me on another 2 weeks worth of hormones pills and told me to go back to see him 2 weeks later.

For the next two weeks, my morning sickness became worst. I was vomiting daily, and your daddy's ankle also got worst so he had to be hospitalised for a day for a detailed MRI scan. I was juggling with bringing your brothers to and from school, cooking, minimal housework because I felt so sick and wanna vomit all the time. Come 2 weeks and never did I expect that during my gynae visit again, this time the look on my gynae is not so good. You were gone. You didn't grow and your heart stopped beating. Once again, the gynae ordered a detailed scan at Thomson Medical and I had to drag myself there to confirm that you have left us. 

I couldn't contain my tears and hid in the toilet to cry. I couldn't bear to be pregnant again and lose you too after losing #3. Why oh why? I do not even have a proper ultrasound picture of you but I will always remember that tiny you moving and with your heart beating on the screen at 5 weeks plus. I wished you didn't left us and give me a chance to be your mother. And I wanna thank you very much for accompanying me on my 10th wedding anniversary. I had dreamt of a great lifetime with having you, my third born too but it was not meant to be. Wherever you are, mummy really wishes you will be healthy and happy.

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