Apologies for being stagnant and inactive. I am finding it hard to move on and pick myself up from where I fell. 

The past few weeks had been tiring and not easy for me. My brain, it felt like it had been ransacked, everything is out of place and something important seems to be missing. 

The past few weeks i felt like i had fallen into a bottomless pit, that I haven't hit the bottom yet, so I find it very hard to bounce back. Things just keep happening one after another. 

It started off with me getting into a minor car accident, I brushed into a parked empty school bus, it was really minor, but our car was very new, the bus was also very new. It's enough to kill the mood for the whole week. It resulted in hubby being bewildered by me - how come I can drive into a stationary vehicle? And him taking half day leave so that he can pass me his driving licence for me to do reporting. That night, I couldn't sleep at all. I am not sure why, but I was worried sick about the minor car accident, many what ifs were bugging me! Later i realised, this minor car accident is actually the ominous sign of a bad days ahead.

The next day, when I went for the 10th week Gynae's appointment, I was in shocked to learn that we couldn't see the baby's heartbeat anymore on the Ultrasound machine. I was scheduled to do another ultrasound at the hospital and followed by the D&C procedure. After the D&C, I thought it's all over. I posted a post for my third child. I thought i was amazingly peaceful and calm about it. 

That week and the past few months felt like a dream, like my third child never happened before... There is a huge empty void within myself that I cannot explain. When my sons take turns to tell me I love you mummy, my heart felt so bitter sweet. I would like to cry myself hoarse, but I couldn't find the tears and emotions. I am really sad, but the two brothers, they are still fighting, eating and pooping. Life has to go on - there were still therapies and hospital appointments to go for. I just lived through daily emotionless. 

Yet, I was very short tempered. My mind was always in a dazed. The minor damages on the car, I had delay fixing it because of the d&c procedure. But it's such an eye sore, every day when I drive I get reminded of the accident and my miscarriage. I will always end up tearing when I am driving. So one day, i made myself drive to the workshop to make enquiries and then sent the car in early next morning for the repairs. What has to be done should be done. 

That's not all. The two brothers, both became really difficult to manage. The younger one started keep crying and screaming for no apparent reasons. Once, he cried and screamed when I was driving all the way from Ang Mo Kio to Hougang and to Sengkang.  I couldn't stand it at all, mentally and physically. The two brothers also kept fighting (yeah, they pickering all the time but it's more serious now) I wasn't able to focus, especially when I am driving! 

Big Brother, he also started showing behavioural issues like running away at the slightest things that don't go his way, shouting and throwing chairs when he felt angry or even lying down on the floor outside when he felt upsets. I had brought him to an occupational therapy recently and for the first time he acted up when they asked him to do some writing, he threw the chair in the room. The OT asked me, am I sure I am going to send him to Primary school next year? She said he is most likely not able to make it. I told her about the happenings at home and I guessed he was affected, so I would like to get tips from them how to cope, the hospital wasn't very helpful as they said it's already November now, and besides they are going on leave, they can't give me anymore appointment. She said she will put a note for the doctor to talk to me about deferring Big Brother. Like now?? It's already November and all the hospital had been saying is to defer and defer.. why can't they share tips on how we can cope?

When i lost a baby, I lost my family too. I lost the boy I once knew in Big Brother. He became so unstable and unpredictable. His meltdowns happen daily and escalates. I tried very very hard to be patience and loving so that I can pull him back to me. The little boy too, he throws tantrums at the slightest things, just like I do now. 

I felt so down. And then it took awhile for me to realise, my role in the family. It dawned on me how difficult it is to be a mother in my family. No, I do not find it difficult to be a mother of a special needs child or a sahm or having to depend on myself all the time. BUT it's really tough when I needed the time to grief but I can't at all. That even though I do not feel like doing anything, I had to. That, I must pull myself together to prevent the family from falling apart. If I feel down, and can't function at my 100%, my family falls apart. Everyone else will also start behaving haywire, including the hubby! To think that I am actually the most affected! This period of my life, I noticed and realised how strong I have to be.

And for that, please give me the time I need. Everything else is not as important as me pulling myself back together again. 

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