Saturday, October 24, 2015

Letter to My Baby

Dear Baby,

I never had the chance to see you, cuddle you or breastfeed you like I do for your brothers. I did wonder if maybe you decided that you don't like us as family.. or maybe you love us too much that's why you choose to leave us?

In early sept 2015, when I only have a drop of blood on the day my menses is due, I was disturbed. I had heard that there may be spotting before menses is due and it's a sign of pregnancy, but I didn't thought I was pregnant because it was exactly when my menses is due. I was worried if it's a sign of other problems! Silly Mommy! After waiting for four days for the menses that never came, I went to buy a pregnancy test kit. And there is it! A smile broke on my face. 

Positive Pregnancy Test Kit on Singapore's Cooling Day - 10th Sept 2015

You must know that not only Mommy is happy. Your daddy is very happy with the news too! Even Big Brother who always said he doesn't want anymore sibling when asked, is very happy when i shared with him that a baby is now growing in Mommy's stomach! He was so keen that I have to share videos with him on how you will be growing and when he can see you. Do you know, I was also very touched that your Big Brother, who is an Asperger, wants to accompany me on every Gynae appointment because he wants to see you on the screen? He who cannot wait, waited for the queue to see you, every time.

The first time we see you on screen, you were really tiny and your heart was beating so fast!

My world came tumbling down on the evening of 20th Oct 2015. As usual, we queued to see the Gynae. When it was my turn, when the Ultrasound scanner was on my tummy and my eyes fixed to the screen, i felt something was wrong. I asked the Gynae, "Where's baby's heartbeat?" He replied that he cannot see, and then he gave me an appointment to go to the hospital to do another ultrasound two days later.

The second scan of you and you were already gone, your heart stopped beating.

I already knew what it meant. I went home that night and cried in the showers. Then i came out and digged out my fetal doppler. Why i had never used this with you before? Why I didn't take it out early to listen to you? I lied on the floor and use the doppler to find you. I found a heartbeat and told Daddy, there it is! See! Baby was hiding earlier! Later, I tried to find videos on Youtube again. I knew the sound that i heard was actually my own heartbeat. I tried to convinced myself that it was you. 

The day came for me to go to the hospital to do a first trimester viability scan, Big Brother wanted to accompany me and I am glad I brought him along. In fact he was really sweet throughout this pregnancy. I didn't know he has this side of him, the hugs from him, and he always go to my tummy to pretend talking to you. He even played and joked with you! He will be such a great Biggest Brother! He who always can keep secret between me and him, actually blurted out to Godma and Popo one evening, to tell that he is very very happy. In his own words, he said "Godma! I am very happy you know! Last time I was a baby growing in my Mommy's stomach, then i grow bigger and Mommy have Didi growing in her stomach. Now Didi is bigger, Mommy got a new baby growing inside and I am soooooo happy!" That's how Popo, Gong Gong and Yiyi knows about your existence. 

On the morning, I woke and got ready, then I woke Big Brother. If you know him, he is always not able to wake up in the mornings and will be super grouchy. But he woke up quietly. I asked if he can walk by himself he said no, so I told him, but I am afraid I can't carry him because I might hurt the baby inside me. He stood up and walk with me to the sofa in the living room. I am grateful to have him going to the hospital with me. For he provided me the distraction from worrying. Before we were able to get out of the house, he was throwing a tantrum about his shoes not feeling correct. After numerous tries of putting on and taking off and asking him if he can wear his slippers instead to no avail, I threw his shoes angrily and asked him please do not do this to me now. He can either stay at home or put on the shoes to go out with me, and he did it quietly. 

On the bus and train, he kept asking questions 
"Can i press this?" 
"Why i can't sit down?" 
"What's circle line?"
"What's platform gap?"
"Why the aunty speaking in four languages?"
"What's the schedule after going to the hospital?"

Other than asking a lot of questions, it was comforting to have your Big Brother with me when going for the viability scan

The day before, I already told him that the Gynae couldn't see your heartbeat, that's why we are going to the hospital to do the viability scan to find baby's heartbeat. And baby, I am so heart broken. Seated right outside the ultrasound room, I was still praying for a miracle. I even think that if the sonographer tells me there is heartbeat, I will eat vegetarian till after confinement for you!  

When the sonographer called my number, I walked in with your biggest brother. She refused to let him in and after a while, I had to tell her that I cannot leave him outside alone as he has autism. He has to go in with me! 

I teared when she confirmed that there's no heartbeat and that your size is about 8 weeks, while in actual you should be about 10 weeks old. She asked us to wait outside for the report and I quickly bring big brother into the washroom with me fighting back my tears. Everyone there is going for happy scans check (which i used to go for your brothers' detailed scans and etc), and staring at us, but I didn't care. 

The report that indicated that you have shrunk and it's a missed miscarriage

In the toilet, I burst out crying and Big Brother asked me why I cry? I told him "the baby is gone" 
Being as Asperger, he replied me "OH! There is no more baby. The baby is dead. But you have me. I am your baby!" He is really comforting and yet also a little disturbing. I asked him later if he is sad you are gone, he said yes. He said this is part of suffering (he ever asked me before what's suffering?  And I tried to explain to him). I am amazed your brother actually understands a lot more than me. Your brother also said that this baby is gone, but we can have another baby again. Yet, I do not bear to experience this ever again. 

Ironically, mummy is still having morning sickness and throwing up, which we found out from the internet that this is possible that baby has no more heartbeat but the body still encounter morning sickness. But my appetite has improved and I can take three full meals again. I am still always thirsty and I still go to pee frequently. My morning sickness gets worse each pregnancy and for you, there are days where mummy just laid in bed all day and could only feed your brothers bread because I am too nausea to cook or go Tabao food for them. I kept telling myself that the morning sickness is a good indication that things are progressing well and just like seeing your two brothers, it will be all worth it after the 40 weeks is over. But alas, it's just not meant to be. 

I went home after the viability scan, took the car and went to pack lunch for your brothers. I brought them to grandpa house before going to the Gynae's clinic again. I told him that it's confirmed no more heartbeat and gynae was nice to say that 1 in 6 women experience miscarriage and it's really no one's fault. Sometimes it happens because there are abnormalities. I understand it too. I mean, if I were to find a reason for why, everything and anything can be the reason why. But it doesn't change the fact that you were gone.

He told me that I have to go to hospital to do "washing". It sounds so nice a "phrase" he used because I read on the internet that the procedure is called D&C - Dilation and Curettage. Which means dilate the cervix and remove you forcefully. I was scared stiff and asked can't I let nature takes it course? He say can but there will be a lot of bleeding and pain. And we don't how long it will take. He told me to go home and discuss with daddy before coming to see him again next Monday. 

And you know what? When there is no more baby, there is also no more consultation charges. The doctor didn't charged me anything! And I also didn't expect myself to sit outside the clinic not sure what to do. I texted your daddy. All theses while, Daddy had been texting me at work. He sent me many links of what he read on Internet. The first time I heard cannot see your heartbeat, I was quite certain you were gone. Your daddy, he sent me some positive news he found on the internet, that it's possible at 10 weeks, heartbeat could still be faint, and you might be block by pelvic bones thus we couldn't see your heartbeat! He told me that going to hospital is to seek a 2nd opinion sort of, with better equipments to see more clearly. 

Daddy told me he will support my decision whether to go to the hospital or to wait naturally. I told him I am very scared both ways. If I wait for nature to take its course, will you be disintegrated and flow out as blood or I will see forms of you? How can I just throw you away like used menstruation pads? But I am really scared to go to the hospital for the operation to remove you too. It will be exactly like an abortion, except that you were already gone. You are still too small to be delivered as a whole baby. I really don't know what I can do for you. 

After a while, your daddy text me to tell me it's better to go for the procedure. He asked me to check with doctor again on when we can do it etc. I walked back into the clinic and asked to see the gynae again. I asked if daddy can accompany me for the procedure and he said no, and I will be under GA and it will all be done in less than 15 minutes. And it's up to me whether I want to do it on Saturday, Sunday or Monday. 

Made the appointment and I shivered to read the instructions to the hospital on the appointment letter

I walked out again only to walk back in again later. I asked to schedule the appt on sat. And the nurses gave me the forms and medicines and instruction. I am supposed to take some pills and fast on Friday night prior to the operation the next day. Throughout the night, I wasn't able to sleep properly. Probably because the cramps started. In the middle of the night when i woke to pee, I am already spotting.

This morning came very quickly. I woke when the sky is still dark and got ready. It was pouring heavy rain after so many days of dryness. Popo took leave, and she came over very early to help look look after your sleeping brothers. Daddy sent me to the hospital. When we arrived, the rain had stopped. 

While waiting to do the admission, daddy told me that yesterday night, when he was taking something from the storeroom, he saw.. before he can completed his sentence, i replied "yes i know, the stroller" we were anticipating your arrival and bought a really cute brand new stroller for your use! I told Daddy, "We really love this child too!" 

Thereafter, we were waiting in the day surgery room. I chatted with Daddy. I told him I am glad he was here with me, cos initially our plans were that I go to the hospital myself in the morning while he stayed home to look after your brothers, he will then come to fetch him together with your brothers when I am done. I told him I am glad my mother had it planned so that I do not have to be alone. 

When it was 830am, it's time for me to go up to the operation theatre. They told Daddy to go to the lobby to wait and come back to the day surgery ward an hour later. Then I was pushed up to level two. While there, I heard a newborn cries and tears just flowed. The Nurse told me not to cry and tried consoling me. I was then asked some questions to verify and then pushed into the operation theatre that I have never been to before. I was shivering from cold and the Gynae came in. He asked if I am scare. And I said Yes. Then another doctor was administering intravenous drip and the general anaesthetic kick in. While i felt myself fading, I cried. Everyone in the theatre surrounded me and told me not to cry. I could only manage to blurt out "Please bring my baby to a better place!" 

And that's the last thing I remember. The next moment I opened my eyes, I was back in waiting area outside the operation theatre. And then the next moment, I opened my eyes again, I was back in day surgery ward. I asked "What's the time?" The Nurse told me it's before 9am. It's all over already. There were some fresh blood on the pad on the bed I laid on. That's the prove that you have left me. 

妈妈最遗憾的是连抱抱你的机会都没有。

At the end of the day, I have to say goodbye to you, but I can't say goodbye. 

“Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting.”
― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

Thank you for the past 11 weeks, my baby. There was a time where i used to ask "Why?" for everything that had happened, but I do not ask Why anymore.

Thank you for coming into our lives. Thank you for teaching us to appreciate what we have. We know we are very fortunate compared to many others. Thank you for making us stronger and the family even stronger. I am thankful for your daddy, a husband that can go through thick and thin with me, and your two beautiful lovely active brothers. They don't failed to remind me constantly that life goes on and I still have my mother role to fulfil. 

Mommy is eating vegetarian for a hundred days, to wish for blessings for you. Wherever you are, you must know that Mommy loves you and misses you. We will meet again, one day. Till then, I will continue to accumulate memories to share with you. 

With Lots Of Love,
I am your Mommy too.

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