Tuesday, August 18, 2015

The Things He Said

As a mother, I cried for my children on many occasions - crying because of happiness, joy, proud moments, helplessness, worries and fears.. 

Today, I cried because of something he said, something unexpected and felt so bittersweet to me. 

In the morning, we were on our way to drop Little Brother off at my Dad's before going to the hospital for Big Brother's Occupational Therapy (OT) appointment. While driving into the carpark of my Dad's place,

Big Brother: Mommy, why are you come here? We are not suppose to come here you know?

Me: Well, yes. I am bringing Didi to Gong Gong's house first. We are not bringing him with us because he will be so disruptive when we meet Aunty Esther (his therapist) later. But let's be quiet k? Else Didi will hear that we are leaving without him!

K: Don't worry! I will tell Didi. 
Didi! I am going to the library k? I am going to read books at the Library! You wait for me at Gong Gong house and I will be back soon!

Me: Huh? Why did you say that!? Do you know where we are going?

K: Shhh! If he knows we are going to the hospital, Didi will be worried and scare! Let's tell him we are going to the Library!

Me: (lost for words....) It's really very nice of you to think like that, but if you tell him we are going to the Library, Didi will think we are going to play without him and he will feel so sad.. 

The conversation ended with me dropping Little Brother off. The day went ahead business as usual and finally, after I drop him off at the EIPIC, finally when I am all by myself, i found myself sobbing in the car. 

It's so bittersweet. I am really very touched by the sensitivity of my boy, by his sensibility as well as he is so so so full of love! I am also so heartbroken.. someone like that, how can it be that he has any problems that we need to fix?

Does he knows or understands why he is going to therapies? I hadn't told him about him being different from others. I had forgotten about how he might feel. As he is growing up, will he ever wonder what's wrong with him? Why is mommy always bringing him to the hospital when he was young? 

Baby, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you at all! You have asperger syndrome, it's a mild form of autism, your brain is wired differently. You are just different, everyone is different! Just like there are people of different heights, weights, looks... There are people with long hair, with pimples or with moles. You are bright and smart, you are handsome and sweet, and you have a mild form of autism. :) You think differently, yet, please remember that you are nothing less! Do not ever, allow anyone else to put you down! You are also at risk for dyslexia, that is why you learn differently from others. But don't worry baby, you are so smart. We will get there together. Mommy, I may not always know what to do. But I will always be here with you, be behind you. We will get there together. 

Of course there are many pains, but I do not write about them because they are part and parcel of life, to make us stronger. Mommy writes about our victories in our journey, so that we can celebrate them together.

I love you, very much.

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