Monday, April 01, 2013

<--_<-- ||Reflections on Motherhood|| -->_-->

Recently, my emotions had been like on a roller coaster ride. 

I am at my 37 weeks now and Baby Kyne will be arriving anytime within a month. I have been doing a lot of reflections recently and it's really 感触良多.... Where should i start on my reflections??

Since young, I had always been the kind of person who plan every thing - on doing my homework, my study, my career, my work, my projects, my days in the weeks, my weekends, my wedding. I even plan what i want to wear the next day so i won't waste time every morning pondering over what to wear! I do not like to waste my time idling or waiting for something.. It's like i love to plan everything swee swee so I wont have too great a surprise or disappointment..  And when things do not go according to plan, i get frustrated, blown away or depressed.. Every time when i am thrown out of my original path, i will always quickly align myself so that i won't feel lost again. 

My first child was unplanned. We just let nature took its course and we were blessed to have the precious gift of life really quickly like only less than 3 months into our marriage.. When i was pregnant with Kyle, i went through a threatened premature labour at 32 weeks and got to know myself a bit more and how brave i can be. With Kyle, he had made me realised a motherhood that i had never ever imagined or dreamt of.. Only when i held him in my arms, i start to re-realise who i really want to be. I think about how I want to bring up my child and what i will and can do for him. Seriously, i never imagined that i can be a Stay at Home Mother, cos in my parents' home, i am the fortunate daughter whom my parents do dote on a little more. My siblings also love and pamper me even though I am the 2nd child, not the youngest. I tend to be self-centred towards anyone.. except towards my children and my hubby. ;p

My second child was planned for. I planned to have a April Dragon baby, so that :

i) I can satisfy my MIL cos she kept telling me she want a dragon grandchild
ii) I can to have a child with the same birth month as me so April can be a double happiness month for me

But alas!! This baby took me exactly one year to conceive!! I was a little frustrated to the extend that that i do not care about if it's a April baby anymore! I just want to have my 2nd child! In the end, heaven decided to grant me my wish but not my MIL's (LOLx)! I conceived and was really surprised that baby's EDD is in April, same birth month as me!! Not a dragon (which i don't fancy dragon babies actually) but a Snake! 

For Baby Kyne, i went through a few trials during this pregnancy. They are nothing extremely serious. However it's enough to make me feel that many things are beyond our control.. I simply cannot plan anything with this little baby! Haha! And he also made me realised how all the more every babies are really very precious gifts, not to be taken granted of. 

* I tried for Kyne for so long and when my menses was finally late, i tested so many pregnancy tests kit but it's always only single line. I got frustrated and bought the digital pregnancy test kit almost 10 days past menses due date and finally saw the words "Pregnant" printed on the digital kit! Based on last date of my menses, i went to see my gynae but he could scan nothing on the ultrasound! Faint! It was a torturing wait till i finally see a sac with Baby and his heartbeat!  

* I planned to have the baby, but the pregnancy symptoms were so different and my morning sickness was so serious in the beginning that I googled "severe morning sickness" and was shocked to read another mommy's plight where she went to terminate her pregnancy because she couldn't take it anymore! I was so afraid that i might reach her stage because she was almost bedridden and couldn't do anything other things at all!

* Though many people said that you can plan a baby's gender, but it doesn't work for my case. Neither does all the predictions like Chinese Calendar, Elder Child's prediction, Needle Prediction etc work too.  Initially, i did thought that i will be very disappointed to have another boy again, but surprisingly, i think i had an easier time knowing that i have another boy. Having another boy also allow me more time to spend quality time with Kyle as there are lesser things to prepare! It took me one long year to have my 2nd baby, my biggest concerns are about if my children are healthy and happy.

* During this pregnancy, i developed a new drug allergy to a new antibiotic that i have never taken before.  Soon after, i also had stomach pains and Gynae was concerned if i would have premature labour pains again. I had to be extra careful not to over strain myself and also re-lived the fears of giving birth prematurely.. 

* I was tested positive for the Group Strep B and realised i cannot be treated due to my drug allergies! Was so freaked out when i read about possible serious implications on the newborn and yet, i feel i need to be proactive and do something about it, so i went to buy those natural herbal supplements and hope to treat myself. I also work out a birth plan and wanted to discuss with Gynae on how to minimise the risks of passing Strep B to Baby Kyne.

* Last week, armed with my Birth Plan, i went to visit my Gynae and before i could say anything, i was told Kyne hasn't even turn head down yet! Gynae said that well, if baby doesn't turn, we can only do Caesarean to deliver him.. Which i am like HUH?! Gynae said that if Caesarean, baby will have ZERO strep B risks! It occurred to me that maybe it's predestined that Baby Kyne refused to turn so that i dont have to worry about passing him any infection?! I was like so afraid that i might have to go under the knife.. Took me a few days to convince myself that ok! I am ready! If caesarean, so be it! As long as baby is healthy!!

* Today i went to visit my Gynae, expecting him to tell me that he will be delivering my baby this weekend either Caesarean or Induced Natural Birth.. But Gynae informed me that my baby turned! LOL! Tell me, why did i spent so many days worrying and convincing myself to be brave to go under the knife?? 

* Now, i feel i finally get it! Why should i worry or planned my baby's birth?! It could be that i can give birth to Kyne naturally just like i gave birth to Kyle. Or it could be an emergency Caesarean or even planned Caesarean if Kyne decided to turn breech again! My husband also reminded me that even if Kyne is to be delivered naturally via vaginal, he may or may not be infected with the Group Strep B bacteria at all... Why worry about something that hasn't happen yet?!!!

* It also finally occur to me that i can probably plan my own choices... but i cannot plan other's lives. Including my own children's! I just do my best as a mother and my priority is to give them a happy childhood. Not grooming them into someone whom they do not want to be. 

Seriously, I always thought i am planning my life.. planning how to grow old, how to spend time with love ones, how to bring up my children etc.. But the truth is.... One can never really plan our lives at all.. We do not know what's going to happen the next moment or tomorrow. We do not know how long our love ones will be around. We do not know if our health will always permits us to do what we want to.. BUT, we are always tempted to plan.. planning gives us the superior feels that we are in control. It's always good to remind ourselves that we should let everything go for a while, and think about what if there is no tomorrow? How do you want to lead your today? 

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