Saturday, December 01, 2012
A Mommy's love
Being a little under the weather recently, the pregnancy symtoms are getting to me. >.<
The body aches, uncomfortable poor quality of sleep and most importantly, being busy taking care of my number one, my lovely KD. Since the detailed scan day of his sibling, although KD starts kissing my tummy now, but he has also rekindled his insecurities and attachment to me all over again. He is now super sticky, wants me to carry all the time (3 YO already! Ouch my back!) and started whining and crying at the slightest.. :( and thus i had been feeling a bit emotional recently too.. i wonder how i can share my love with the other baby and how will KD cope when his sibling arrives?
Before I was a mom, throughout my life, I never like children. I find children very attention seeking being, so mischievous and irritating! :p
When I was in Primary school, I had a Chinese teacher whom always scolded some classmates and exclaimed out loud that WHY did their mothers gave birth to them? It's better off to give birth to a piece of char siew (meat) that can be eaten than to a child that grew up useless (I shivered to think now, what if my son also faced similar teachers next time?) and ya, it kinda instilled deep within me and I always ponder over how can a mom love her children? i cannot visualise myself ever being pregnant and become a mom, i cannot imagine how i can or will love my future children (or if i will have any).. neither can I empathise with a mommy's love or woes. I wonder how come my mom love us more than my dad..
Until I was married and pregnant with KD so unplanned.. When I first saw the positive sign on a pregnancy test kit, I smiled. Nope.. I didn't smiled.. I actually grinned with a burst of happiness within me! I was extremely careful with everything and every single bit of uncertainty I will pay a visit to my gynae.. As KD grew within me, I just love him more and more... It's a different kind of love between lovers, friends or even towards our parents and siblings! I just fell in love like that even before meeting KD! When I held him in my arms immediately after he was born, I promised him that I will be there for him, protect him, educate him, love him until he doesn't require me anymore.. And till to date, i still fall in love with him over and over again, every day, despite the fair shares of mischievous and disciplinary challenges.
In fact everyone love him so much, we all really pamper him a lot. Both me and hubby are very hands on parents. Other than when we are working and KD is in infantcare, we do not rely on anyone else in taking care of him and we can do everything ourselves, that is despite us staying with his parents. In fact, even when we travelled, we bring KD along and he is truly one very fortunate kid that travelled so many times on the airplane and to so many vacations! It's also the love for him that we can't visualize ourselves having a second child.. How do we bear and be able to share the love between two children or more? We only started TTC for our second child when KD turns two and he seemed lonely.. In fact, he is still sleeping together with us now, so imagine how closely knitted we three are...
We conceived our second child only this year and the same, I also smiled when I see the positive results on the pregnancy test kit! I am happy, but i am guilty as the excitement is not the same as when I had KD. Probably it's because I had a child before, probably it's due to KD's insecurities.. He began having nightmares shouting for mommy. He is also angry whenever he sensed he is going to have a sibling.. I continued to carry him cos I don't want him to feel deprive just because mommy is pregnant.. I don't want him to start disliking his sibling! And of course, I wasn't so excited because this pregnancy is tedious! The morning sickness in the first trimester made me so sick that I went to google "severe morning sickness" and read about a mom whom terminated her 2nd pregnancy cos she is vomiting more than 20 times a day and she couldn't manage taking care of her elder son.. That post affected me so much that I was scared stiff that my morning sickness will worsen till that stage I wanna give up too? I don't dare to tell anyone I think I am near there.. but i held on, cos every baby is a precious gift! Every life is precious!
Now, I begin to worry and doubt, if I am able to love the second child as much as i love KD? One thing for sure, as this child is a boy again, he will have very very few new clothes and toys because KD had so much! It only make sense to share. He probably won't have a passport till he is much older as we won't be traveling much anymore now that we are depending on a single income.. In a way, i am glad that this child happen only now, cos i spent three great years with KD watching his every milestone! I wanted to spend quality time with KD now, before his sibling arrives, thus i am focusing on KD's immediate needs (hunger, feelings, being clean etc), I do not have time to focus on the needs of the growing baby as its taken care of by my body instead (supplying blood, oxygen, calcium, iron, minerals etc). I also only visit my gynae accordingly to his schedule appointment now (instead of when I had KD, I visited him almost every two weeks bcos I wanted to make sure he was all right). Till now, i only shared music with my tummy twice! I am guilty of not talking as much to my tummy as when I had KD too...
So, do I love my second child?
How do we measure love? Via our actions? Thoughts?
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I believe I will be able to love my 2nd child and be a 100% mom to both KD and him too. This child will be a blessed child too, because when he is born, not only he has his mother's & father's love... He will has his elder sibling to love him too. I will love him through KD, I will love and teach KD to love his little brother, and if KD loves his little brother well, the little brother will receive a lot more love from others too.
Only when the child arrives, time will tell.. How much I love both my children too..